The Reality of it All...

WARNING: THIS IS MY REALITY THAT WAS A FEW WEEKS AGO. WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS NOT LIGHT-HEARTED.

I’ve been in Korea for a couple of months. Life is well…life. I’ve been sick with one thing or the other. I miss the people who really know me, but I wish they were here. I don’t want to go home, but something just isn’t right here.

Reality hits me. I’m 30 years old, single, and working at a job where most of the co-workers are under the age of 26. Am I too old for this? Am I ever going to get married? Do I like what I’m doing? I’ve been monitored by parents and lately my ratings have not been very good. I’m sinking. I love my kids, but it’s overwhelming when you feel like you’re inadequate at your job. I’m not exercising and at night I watch several episodes of Criminal Minds, NCIS, and Castle. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all good shows but they’re constantly riddled with twisted murderers and young women who have been slain. I’m sinking to a new low emotionally. My social life is something to laugh about. I decline invitations out and am not making plans of my own. I’m used to having people over, being the ring leader for making plans, being the independent woman that I was in the U.S. and Barcelona. Where is that woman?

Holy crap. I’m depressed and the thoughts racing through my brain are not happy ones. But I can’t tell anyone. Those at home will probably just tell me to come home or somehow I’ll end up feeling worse. The people here are nice, but they don’t know me and I am beginning to feel that they don’t even like me.

Then the crying at night begins. I cry myself to sleep feeling pitiful and crying myself to sleep that there is no more left for me in this life. That I have failed – miserably. I start to watch Disney cartoon movies hoping they’ll make me feel better. The Little Mermaid and The Princess and the Frog are supposed to make me happy – I love those movies. But they are based on the concept that every distraught women will end up with their prince. In my life I’ve experienced no such prince – at least in a romantic sense.

It is important that I tell you this, dear reader, because it’s who I am at this particular moment in time. I’m 30 years old, living in what feels to be a concrete jungle, surrounded by people I hardly know, walking in a sea of people who don’t speak my language on a daily basis, and feeling inadequate in both a personal and professional sense. I am struggling to find the positive.

The weekend approaches and I talk to two friends from home. Towards the end of our conversation I begin tell them how I’ve been feeling. They are concerned and want to talk about it in greater detail. However, I end up running out of time with them as I have finally made plans with a couple of people to go to Seoul Tower. The trip to the Tower helps a bit as I was able to be around nature but it’s only a temporary relief.

A few days later, I decide to go to dinner with two girls from work. I begin to tell them what I’m feeling. I don’t ever want people to feel sorry for me. I’m just not like that. I just want to explain what’s happening so they know.

The evening gets better. I feel better having told someone in Seoul what’s going on. And it’s nice not to have to keep everything in all the time. We go to a pub to play darts and hang out and I start to feel happier. We board the subway that will take us home and that’s when it hits again.

A situation between an elderly man and me ignites a fire in one of the girls I am with and she lets me have it. I didn’t understand but somehow I have hurt her feelings everyday at work. How this all started, I am not entirely sure. I never intend to be malicious and hurt someone’s feelings and I have no idea what I am saying to hurt her feelings. I will not go into further details, but know that at this point, I feel as though I have no friends in Seoul and I reach the ultimate low.

I decide that at this point, there is no way to rectify the situation tonight. I have tried to understand and have not been given examples to become enlightened. How can I fix something if I don’t know how I am hurting a person? So, I separate myself from the other two and try to resolve the problem as best I can. I send a text to a co-worker to try to make some changes to help the girl who is angry with me.

The train pulls into the station and I quickly make my way back to my apartment. I want to be alone. I see co-workers sitting around a table outside and decide to go around the long way to get to the apartment building entrance. I reach my apartment floor and there are two people outside – one whom I just texted. Crap. I just want to be alone. Then the other two I was with earlier arrive at my door. There’s no escaping.

I go to my door. I am fine. Please leave me alone. I just want to be alone right now. They tell me I’m being irrational and that something is wrong. Something has been wrong for a while, they say. Please for god’s sake just leave me alone. I tell them they wouldn’t understand. They’re not my close friends. I really just wanted to call one of my friends from home, but for some reason I don’t say this. I open my door and they try to force their way in. I get the door closed and lock it. I try to fire up my computer. Then I remember…someone out there knows my code. CRAP!!! There are beeping noises. The door opens. I try to close it begging them to leave me alone.

I start to give in. I tell them how I feel about things. I think I would’ve reached this point no matter what city. This point has been building for a while. This moment has been approaching since I left Europe, maybe even before then.

That night, four women came into my apartment and listened to all of my pain, my thoughts, what I’ve been living with, who I was before, and who I am now. It was a big release. That night wasn’t the end of my depression, but the start of a new attitude towards life as a woman in her 30s. That night 4 friends left my apartment, and I am forever grateful.

If you are going through anything remotely similar to what I am feeling, know you are not alone. Know that it IS better to talk to someone about it rather than keeping it in. And know that your life will always have meaning and purpose, especially in your darkest hour.