Bouncing Back. Phase 1. DJ Fest

Three days have passed since the intervention. It’s Saturday but more importantly, it’s DJ Fest Day! I’m ready to dance. I’ve been waiting a long time to cut loose and dance like it’s my job. Dancing is what makes me tick and I can’t wait to get there.

Most of my fellow co-workers are attending the festival so we all meet downstairs our apartment complex to leave together. We pile into taxicabs and make our way to Han River Park. Many of us have backpacks full of food to take into the festival to save a little dough once inside.

About 15 minutes later, we arrive! But a few members of our party are not here, so we wait outside the entrance until the lost crew arrives. Then, disaster strikes. No food or drinks allowed inside the festival!!! So I guess the dozens of cookies I have packed into a lunch box will have to be consumed quickly. We eat what we can, attempt to conceal what we can, and I start giving cookies to others who are eating, or shall I say others who had the same brilliant idea, around us. Sharing is caring, right?

We pack up our stuff and head into the festival. Our bags are searched and not only are the security people discarding food and drinks, but precious Altoids, Aleve, and other random things. I admit that it’s a good precaution to discard the Aleve – either for safety or legal concerns, but Altoids?

I make it through the line and feel somewhat scandalous…I was able to sneak about 6 cookies and 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in…wha ha ha ha! Does this make me a villain now? I just couldn’t let it go to waste.

Anyways – we set up a base camp near the main stage and set off to explore. There are many vendors to visit and my co-worker Bebhinn and I waste no time with the boring ones. We head straight to the big tent. Inside is a Dance Dance Revolution game so of course, we have to play! Best part of all…it’s free! The music playing inside the tent is so loud we can’t hear the music on the video game so we end up doing poorly. But all is well, stepping side to side and back and forth only represents a small percentage of our dance repertoire.

We both leave the tent feeling pumped and ready to participate in more activities and end up coming across the tattoo parlor tent. Ten minutes later I emerge with my new tattoo of a dragon who I decide to name Frank. (Don’t worry Mom, it’s fake.) We show off our tattoos and decide to explore some more.

For the next hour or so, I end up wandering around meeting up with different co-workers and discover that Brittany has been using her hula hoop to meet new friends. Elya has gotten a gigantic tattoo on her arm, and Jesse has painted his face with a huge mustache and black mask covering his eyes. There are so many cool things to do here and have I mentioned the music? Perhaps I should save that for later.

I head to the make-up vendor and receive a makeover. She asks me what I would like and I tell her to just make me look “hot.” Well, as you can tell from the picture she and I had very different ideas of what that meant, but I actually end up liking the makeup quite well. It goes along with my tattoo and outfit for the day and I am happy!

I meet up with Bebhinn again and we decide to head to another stage that has more vendors surrounding it. In this area, my FAVORITE area, I have jems glued to my face to enhance the eye makeup, make a button with my name spelled in Hangeul, get a Polaroid picture taken for free with my buddy, play the djembe drum, and have I mentioned dance like it’s my job yet?

Perhaps I should start with the catalyst to the dance extravaganza. It all begins with an African drum circle. There are about 30 djembe drums open to anyone who wants to sit in on the circle. I begin to play the drum remembering the techniques from my lesson a few years ago. Other members of our group have found their way over and start to play as well. A crowd starts to form around the circle and I decide to get up to offer my drum to another person wanting to play. I walk over to a few members of our group who have decided to watch and then realize that the man leading the drum circle wants people to dance. I am not bashful in this situation and burst to the front. I start to dance recalling the moves from Dunuya Drum and Dance back home and the leader breaks into a huge smile. A group of Korean women come to the front and start following what I’m doing. It is here in this moment that I am, for the first time in a while, unbelievably happy.

I continue to dance for a bit and am handed a tambourine. Sweet! I dance a little bit longer and then decide that it’s time to start listening to the DJs. The drum circle has gotten me revved up for more dancing and it’s time to unleash the dancer in me even more.

Again, with my partner in crime, Bebhinn, we head over to the stage and listen to one of the best DJs I’ve ever heard. He plays music both new and old; songs that I warmed up to at cheerleading camp in high school; songs that are hits today; and songs that just make you want to dance…of course. A few others from our group end up coming over and we dance for what seems like hours. In reality it is probably only two hours, but it is fabulous nonetheless.

A new act comes onto the stage and we decide to head to the main stage where our base camp is and where hundreds of people have gathered to watch and listen. I spend a few minutes talking to our group and find out the activities in which they have participated. Still pumped up by the previous DJ, I head up towards the front of the main stage alone to dance a bit more. Video cameramen are roaming around and just as one makes his way towards my area, a young Korean man comes up to me and we start mimicking each other’s dance moves. It’s quite comical (or maybe I just think it is) and the next thing I know, there is a video cameraman recording us. So, somewhere there is footage of me dancing with a random stranger and having one of the greatest nights in Seoul so far.

It is amazing to look around and see so many people dancing and enjoying the music. And for me, what’s more, is that I am starting to feel like myself. I’m starting to bounce back and once again, dance is the major factor in the equation.

The Reality of it All...

WARNING: THIS IS MY REALITY THAT WAS A FEW WEEKS AGO. WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS NOT LIGHT-HEARTED.

I’ve been in Korea for a couple of months. Life is well…life. I’ve been sick with one thing or the other. I miss the people who really know me, but I wish they were here. I don’t want to go home, but something just isn’t right here.

Reality hits me. I’m 30 years old, single, and working at a job where most of the co-workers are under the age of 26. Am I too old for this? Am I ever going to get married? Do I like what I’m doing? I’ve been monitored by parents and lately my ratings have not been very good. I’m sinking. I love my kids, but it’s overwhelming when you feel like you’re inadequate at your job. I’m not exercising and at night I watch several episodes of Criminal Minds, NCIS, and Castle. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all good shows but they’re constantly riddled with twisted murderers and young women who have been slain. I’m sinking to a new low emotionally. My social life is something to laugh about. I decline invitations out and am not making plans of my own. I’m used to having people over, being the ring leader for making plans, being the independent woman that I was in the U.S. and Barcelona. Where is that woman?

Holy crap. I’m depressed and the thoughts racing through my brain are not happy ones. But I can’t tell anyone. Those at home will probably just tell me to come home or somehow I’ll end up feeling worse. The people here are nice, but they don’t know me and I am beginning to feel that they don’t even like me.

Then the crying at night begins. I cry myself to sleep feeling pitiful and crying myself to sleep that there is no more left for me in this life. That I have failed – miserably. I start to watch Disney cartoon movies hoping they’ll make me feel better. The Little Mermaid and The Princess and the Frog are supposed to make me happy – I love those movies. But they are based on the concept that every distraught women will end up with their prince. In my life I’ve experienced no such prince – at least in a romantic sense.

It is important that I tell you this, dear reader, because it’s who I am at this particular moment in time. I’m 30 years old, living in what feels to be a concrete jungle, surrounded by people I hardly know, walking in a sea of people who don’t speak my language on a daily basis, and feeling inadequate in both a personal and professional sense. I am struggling to find the positive.

The weekend approaches and I talk to two friends from home. Towards the end of our conversation I begin tell them how I’ve been feeling. They are concerned and want to talk about it in greater detail. However, I end up running out of time with them as I have finally made plans with a couple of people to go to Seoul Tower. The trip to the Tower helps a bit as I was able to be around nature but it’s only a temporary relief.

A few days later, I decide to go to dinner with two girls from work. I begin to tell them what I’m feeling. I don’t ever want people to feel sorry for me. I’m just not like that. I just want to explain what’s happening so they know.

The evening gets better. I feel better having told someone in Seoul what’s going on. And it’s nice not to have to keep everything in all the time. We go to a pub to play darts and hang out and I start to feel happier. We board the subway that will take us home and that’s when it hits again.

A situation between an elderly man and me ignites a fire in one of the girls I am with and she lets me have it. I didn’t understand but somehow I have hurt her feelings everyday at work. How this all started, I am not entirely sure. I never intend to be malicious and hurt someone’s feelings and I have no idea what I am saying to hurt her feelings. I will not go into further details, but know that at this point, I feel as though I have no friends in Seoul and I reach the ultimate low.

I decide that at this point, there is no way to rectify the situation tonight. I have tried to understand and have not been given examples to become enlightened. How can I fix something if I don’t know how I am hurting a person? So, I separate myself from the other two and try to resolve the problem as best I can. I send a text to a co-worker to try to make some changes to help the girl who is angry with me.

The train pulls into the station and I quickly make my way back to my apartment. I want to be alone. I see co-workers sitting around a table outside and decide to go around the long way to get to the apartment building entrance. I reach my apartment floor and there are two people outside – one whom I just texted. Crap. I just want to be alone. Then the other two I was with earlier arrive at my door. There’s no escaping.

I go to my door. I am fine. Please leave me alone. I just want to be alone right now. They tell me I’m being irrational and that something is wrong. Something has been wrong for a while, they say. Please for god’s sake just leave me alone. I tell them they wouldn’t understand. They’re not my close friends. I really just wanted to call one of my friends from home, but for some reason I don’t say this. I open my door and they try to force their way in. I get the door closed and lock it. I try to fire up my computer. Then I remember…someone out there knows my code. CRAP!!! There are beeping noises. The door opens. I try to close it begging them to leave me alone.

I start to give in. I tell them how I feel about things. I think I would’ve reached this point no matter what city. This point has been building for a while. This moment has been approaching since I left Europe, maybe even before then.

That night, four women came into my apartment and listened to all of my pain, my thoughts, what I’ve been living with, who I was before, and who I am now. It was a big release. That night wasn’t the end of my depression, but the start of a new attitude towards life as a woman in her 30s. That night 4 friends left my apartment, and I am forever grateful.

If you are going through anything remotely similar to what I am feeling, know you are not alone. Know that it IS better to talk to someone about it rather than keeping it in. And know that your life will always have meaning and purpose, especially in your darkest hour.